So...I kind of had a freakout session on Friday night.
I have been stressing myself out to the max lately. I mean, really. I'm at work 80 hours a week, learning a new job basically 50% of the time, while trying to keep myself sane the other 50% of the time. I also am having tests...which I'm not going to lie, have NOT been turning out so great because I haven't had adequate time to study.
I finally lost it driving home on Friday night. Some of the girls I work with (and actually like) and I were going to go out. Well...I made it to the club after work and realized I had nobody's number. Mind you, this is a big club...like it has two stories to it. After having been up since 5:00am, I wasn't in the mood to walk into some club at 11:30 at night trying to find these girls. So...I just drove back home. But, I bawled my eyes out the entire way.
I'm probably going to lie on Monday and say I couldn't find my ID or something. Because really, even walking into a neighborhood bar that holds maybe 100 people by myself is intimidating for me. I panic about that crap so easily and I KNOW. I shouldn't be like that. It's embarrassing and a huge personality flaw for me. I am not the girl that can just walk into a place and make friends.
But anyhow. Crying in my car. Driving half an hour home on the interstate. I started questioning EVERYTHING. My relationship, my job, my friends, school, EVEN MY FREAKING CHOICE IN CAR (which I adore my car. It's a 2012 Honda Civic, so I'm not driving a Corvette or anything, but it's comfy and in my price range and drives well).
I've been having relationship problems for...well, awhile. It comes in spurts. It's been going well the past week or so, but I just lost it on Friday night. My job drives me insane and I was literally about to lose it at work on Friday because one of my coworkers is so damn abrasive it isn't even funny. And when I lose it at work, I disappear to the bathroom for 10-15 minutes and bawl because I get so frustrated. Yes, that's what I do when I get mad, is go cry. And this whole past week, I've just been so miserable because I see what it is that I'm dying to be doing to a living and yet I'm stuck in a place that is SO horrible for me mentally. My friends...I have a few friends I work with, but I've lost touch with most of my friends I had in college. And I miss a lot of them. Some of them I was only friends with for 2 years, some of them I was friends with for longer. I miss going out with them and seeing them and sitting on the porch until 5am talking and listening to music. I started missing that life I had so much, and even typing this out I'm tearing up. I had such a solid group of friends and a neighborhood bar and just...such a better mindset 3-5 years ago. I'm sitting here, typing this out more for my benefit, realizing that part of the reason I have become so bitter is the toxic environment that I work in and some of the relationships I hold with people. I'll always be a snarky bitch, that's just in my personality, but the way I am right now...I hate it.
So...in the coming months, I have a lot of choices to make. I have a couple of things I'm working toward, work-wise, that I am excited about but I can't be sure of if/when they'll happen. I have to make decisions about my relationship. I have to decide if I really want to stay here or move somewhere else. I should probably make the choice to reconnect with at least some of the friends that I've lost over the past 3 years.
I was in a really bad place for a while. I actually fear that it will return with the winter. (My anxiety and depression seem to be flaring up during the darker months the past two years.) I also dislike my job and I CONSTANTLY question my relationship.
ReplyDeleteSo, I feels you. And knowing you have to make the decisions weighs on you. And then you have to make the changes and things get complicated for a little while.
I've been able to reconnect with my oldest, bestest friend recently and it's been so so helpful. I hope you can reconnect with people who bring you back to the present and blissful moments. :)